My hand turned me down
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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