What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
