Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
