Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You dont lie about slip and slides
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
