Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize