I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I could fuck to npr.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
