Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
