I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
