Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
