I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
