Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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