do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
