i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
