Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
