he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
