good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
