How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize