.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
