is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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