I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
