did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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