There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize