i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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