Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
