Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
