They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
