There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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