I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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