onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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