Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
