I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize