I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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