i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
