I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize