I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
