He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
50% drunk capacity currently
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
