sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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