I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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