Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize