u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
