she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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