Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
