$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Randomize
