peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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