I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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