mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
