woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize