and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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