When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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