remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
