Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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