He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
