I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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