hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
