who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
