Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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