Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
