The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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