im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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